A More Or Less Sincere Attempt To Address The Silliest Fox News Article Ever

Before you go any further I probably have to warn you that the following article from “Fox News Comedian” (which is a thing I guess) Steven Crowder is beyond a doubt the most troll-tastic thing that the fine people at Republican Pravda have published this year. The author, as you will soon see, was not trying to bridge any gaps between those whom he disagrees with and people who ascribes to beliefs that he expounds. Rather this rather silly use of his time was meant to deliberately provoke pro-sex people like myself into being nasty towards him, and thus allow him to appear to be noble and pious by comparison. It’s all part of the life cycle of the conservative wannabe-martyr.

However despite his blatant attempt to be a contrarian asshole concerning modern views of sex, I feel that it is necessary to address said “Fox News Comedian” as married adult rather than my usual douchebag-blogger self in order to demonstrate that those of us who enjoyed our pre-marital boning are actually a reasonable, diverse, and approachable bunch. Trust me, I would love to simply call him a silly-ass motherfucker and make a joke about an inevitable divorce. However as he addressed an issue that so many people can relate to, I’ll use this as an opportunity to instead at least try and deflate Mr. Crowder’s unearned sense of moral superiority through (cough) earnest analysis and rhetorical questioning of his motives and biases.

So here it goes (as always his work is in block quotes and bolded).

As anyone who’s read my abstinence column here at Fox News Opinion could guess, my wedding is something that I’ve looked forward to for quite some time.

Fox News has a devoted opinion section? That’s pretty rich. I guess “paid trolling” does require dropping the transparent pretense of “reporting” that the other correspondents have to do for the demented racists that make up the Fox News audience.

After having tied the knot at the end of August, I can now say beyond all shadow of a doubt, that it was everything I’d hoped and prayed that it would be since childhood. (I’d also prayed to be bitten by a radioactive spider and develop sticky hands, but… I was an idiot.)

Using the phrase “sticky hands” in an article referencing your love for abstinence should have been taken out by a responsible editor for the sake of your audience. Just sayin’.

Let me preface this column by saying this: my wife (I have to get used to saying that) and I not only waited sexually in every way (no, we didn’t pull the Bill Clinton and technically avoid “sex” sex,) but we didn’t shack up as live-ins and most importantly, we courted each other in a way that was consistent with our publicly professed values.

So you did not engage in oral sex, manual sex, mutual masturbation, heavy petting, dirty talk, anal sex, shared viewing of sexually explicit materials, hugs lasting more than five minutes, holding of hands, deep tongue kissing, felching (DO NOT GOOGLE), or anything else that someone could possible considered sex? To be honest my man that sounds kind of horrible. Let me explain why.

Beyond the obvious hormonal craziness that I would imagine occurring between you two (or when either of you were alone), how do you expect to automatically know what you like from sex without sampling it? As you are going to learn soon (hopefully for your sake) there are techniques and positions that feel awesome for you, but that does not produce the same sense of pleasure or even comfort for her. Likewise she is going to eventually discover what “works” for her, but this might entirely turn you off. Any relationship by comparison that is built on a solid foundation of sexual compatibility (at least initially, as these things to change as people get older) does present itself as one with a higher chance of lasting longer and being more fulfilling for its participants.

I’m not saying that you are necessarily doomed, but rather you are taking a very dangerous gamble (and encouraging others to do the same) by engaging in a significant legal, economic, and psychological commitment to another person without knowing what you are fully getting into. Even if you were lucky enough to find your life partner on the first try, which is doubtful, you are risking sabotaging that potentially awesome relationship by not at least figuring out some of the difficulties that you will face sexually as a couple before you got hitched.

We did it right.

Well that’s a pretty ballsy thing to say, especially in the frankly nasty way in which you castigated people who decide to cohabitate as a sign of their deep commitment to one another. Even for a self-proclaimed Christian as yourself deciding that your specific form of “courting” your partner is the only correct way to engage with another human is very problematic. Your premise of what is “right” sets up an impossible standard for most people to abide by, and it also elevates a rather new concept in what we now call “marriage” to the point of infallibility- which is just completely ahistorical if you took the time to research this topic on your own instead of just listening to your pastor.

Our wedding was perfect. Our wedding night was nothing short of amazing. I write this on a plane heading into a tropical paradise with the most beautiful woman to have walked the planet earth.

As someone who has been happily married for two years now, I can only say mazel tov to you and your lovely wife. I would also recommend that you put your laptop away at this point as trolling people on the web while on vacation with your partner is a sure fire way to guarantee that you will never have sex again (trust me on this dude).

Feeling judged? I couldn’t care less.

Not to nitpick, but you are writing a 1,000 word essay on the subject when you could be having sex with your new wife in a tropical paradise. That would seem to indicate that you care a whole lot about the spreading your opinion on this subject and showing how you are “right”.

 

You know why? Because my wife and I were judged all throughout our relationship. People laughed, scoffed and poked fun at the young, celibate, naive Christian couple. 

As a proud agnostic fan of pre-marital sex let me just say that those people whom you encountered were/are fucking assholes. A mature person would continue to live their life in happiness without letting assholes like those people get under their skin. As a late bloomer I can tell you that I understand what it feels like to be made fun of by other people for not having sex (my case obviously being different as my virginity was not a choice). But as you can see, those people and their assholery did not derail you and your wife from growing together as a couple and attaining your (again hopefully) shared goal of getting married.

What is not cool on your part is to extend your probably well-deserved “fuck you” to those individuals who made fun of you out of their own ignorance, to the entire pre-marital fucking community. As someone who grew up in the south and went to a college with a strong religious community (Go Judges!) I encountered my fare share of people who decided to remain abstinent until marriage. Their decision was not one that I would have made for the reasons that I outlined earlier, but I nevertheless admired their personal discipline and commitment to their faith- as would any of the many non-assholes in the world.

By defaming tolerant people like me and my wife, you weaken your own argument concerning your own righteousness as well just making your belief system seem petty and unattractive. In other words you are engaging in a big evangelical fail.

We’d certainly never make it to the wedding without schtupping, and if we did, our “wedding night would be awkward and terrible,” they said. 

Turns out that people couldn’t have been more wrong.  Looking back, I think that the women saying those things felt like the floozies they ultimately were, and the men, with their fickle manhood tied to their pathetic sexual conquests, felt threatened.

Honestly dude did you ever talk to these individuals about their personal experiences with sex? As you will soon see, sex, regardless of the context in which you engage in it, it inherently complicated and full of potential problems as well as learning experiences.  I can absolutely ensure that you and your partner, despite being a married, will go through periods of inadequacy, insecurity, and even anger with respect to sex. The powerful biological and psychic responses that come from sex do not discriminate on the basis of your legal status as a couple. I just hope that someone tells you that before you inevitably feel that “something is wrong” and decide that you have failed.

I think it’s important to write this column not to gloat (though I’ll be glad to), but to speak up for all of the young couples that have also done things the right way. When people do marriage right, they don’t complain so much, and so their voices are silenced by the rabble of promiscuous charlatans, peddling their pathetic world view as “progressive.”

Well frankly dude we are on the “progressive” side of things in terms of this issue. It was not too long ago that marriage was an arranged property exchange made by the family or community in order to preserve social unity (and to make sure that there were plenty of children to help with the harvest). You can thank progressives for your freedom to actually choose whom you married back in August.

Our wedding was perfect. Our wedding night was nothing short of amazing. I write this on a plane heading into a tropical paradise with the most beautiful woman to have walked the planet earth. I know everybody says that their bride was the “most beautiful in the world.”  They’re wrong. I win.

You said that already. You are officially gloating now, and doing so that I don’t think anyone could reasonably interpret as being “funny” (pro-tip for a fellow blogger: run articles with jokes like these through your wife, if she is like my wife she is probably quite good at seeing when you have crossed over from “sarcastic comedian” to “unmitigated jerk”).

I’d like to tell you a story of our morning after, however. One that transpired into one of the most glaring epiphanies I’d ever had.

Go on….

As my wife (again, still not used to that)

You eventually do, but it never stops being fun to say.

 

and I ate breakfast at a local inn, we discussed how excited we were to start the rest of our lives together, how scary it was that everything was now so different. At the same time, we overheard the table next to us discussing their very own wedding from the night prior. What a coincidence!

“The thing is, nothing’s really changed,” the bride said.

Puzzled, my wife asked, “Did you get married last night too? So did we!”

“Congratulations!” the other dame said. “Yeah we did, just last night.”

Hey boss just as another tip, even though I gather that you are attempting to be formal here, never for the love of god refer to a woman as a “dame” unless you want to get slapped and/or sued. Ask O’Reilly down the hall about how expensive sexual harassment suits can be for public figures.

“Where’s the groom?” my wife innocently… scratch that, naively asked.

How about “politely”- you were talking to a stranger after all….

“Oh, he’s sleeping. There was no way he was coming out with me this morning!” She paused and smirked. “Let’s just say that he’s got a lingering headache from a really good time last night.”

My heart sank. Firstly, that poor schmuck’s “good time” was simply getting snookered. Not enjoying the company of close family and long-lost friends with a clear head and clean conscience, not staring in awe at his beautiful new wife, wanting to soak in every glimmer of her eyes as she shot him heart-racing looks from across the dance floor, not taking all of the cheesy pictures as they cut the cake, not even carrying her across that suite threshold as they nervously anticipated their “nightcap.” He probably won’t remember any of it. Instead, he got smashed. He was “that guy”… at his own freaking wedding.

Or his new wife and he engaged in a session of such awesome, animalistic, down-right savage fucking that he’s feeling woozy the next morning (it is possible and it is awesome). Furthermore, and I’m sure that you will realize this once your friends start getting older and you go to a thousand of these every year, weddings are a party- and that is it really.

Setting up this largely unattainable fantasy for people that the wedding has to be something out of a Disney rom-com on top of your previous edict against pre-marital fornication is just cruel. What is wrong with someone having a few drinks (or a bong rip for that matter) and then having a great time at what its, let’s not forget, an excuse in our society for a giant party? Furthermore it is a completely irrelevant point to make when discussing the merits of abstinence and its effects on marriage.

Then I realized something. Our wedding was truly a once in a lifetime event. It was a God’s-honest celebration of two completely separate lives now becoming one. Physically, emotionally, financially and spiritually, everything that made us who we were individually was becoming what bonded us together. Our family traveled from far and wide to celebrate the decision of two young people to truly commit themselves to each other, and selflessly give themselves to one another in a way that they never had before that very night.

This is true. Again I’m very happy for you both and wish you great joy as a couple.

The people next to us that morning? Well, theirs was just one big party.  And the morning after? Just another hangover.

Or the ceremony itself was just one aspect of the exact same damn thing that you went through. My parents were poor as hell in 1975 when they got married in the backyard of my grandma’s house in Vermont. Today they are still married and would describe coming together as a couple in the exact same flowing and goofy way that you just did. My point is that you have absolutely no idea what that other couple felt about each other and their decision to get married. Instead you made a very hasty conclusion about them and the merits of their relationship on the basis of your own pre-conceived notion about how the world should work.

In other words you are being the same sort of asshole that made you and your wife so angry when you were starting out as a ” young, celibate, naive Christian couple”. Why are you continuing this pointless circle of hate my friend?

Our “weddings” were the same event in name only. They know it, and we know it.

How? To paraphrase Yoda on this, a dude’s strength flows from the convictions, but all you have expressed here in this essay is anger, fear, and aggression. The dark side are they. Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny.

Best marriage counselor ever

Do yours the right way.  If you’re young and wondering whether you should wait, whether you should just give in, become a live-in harlot/mimbo and do it the world’s way.  If you’re wondering whether all of the mocking, the ridicule, the incredible difficulty of saving yourself for your spouse is worth it, let me tell you without a doubt that it is. Your wedding can be the most memorable day and night of your life… or just another party.

Or it can be both, which is what I would like to think that my wedding day was. Like with you, my friends and family came together to celebrate the bond that my wife and I were confirming. However unlike you, my wife and also lived together for a year previous to getting married, and were having sex from the moment that we decided to start seeing each other as a couple. Why does our happiness have to be any less valid than yours just become we attained it from a different path?

Those experiences I mentioned earlier helped not only convince each of us that the other person was “the one”, but it also aided us as individuals overcome our own personal obstacles in life. Molly was the one person in my life who provided me with the sense of security and strength to overcome a serious eating disorder and go on to law school. My wife credits me with helping her realize her own innate beauty and strength as she engages in the challenges and successes in her life both as an individual and as a partner to me.

Our desire to have sex with each other, live with each other, and to engage in a slightly more raucous wedding than you and your partner has absolutely no effect on anyone’s lives other than our own. Again I am ecstatic for you and your wife for your decision to get married, but your apparent need to lash out at the world for the isolated actions of ignorant assholes simply does not indicate someone who is mature enough to either simply engage with other people as an adult, much less fully understand the serious commitment that you have now under taken. I wish you and your wife the best, but I would also advise that you calm the hell down and talk about your feelings in away that is not so magnificently condescending and repulsive.

Oops. Did I just make a “judgment?”  You’re darn right I did.

/Sigh.

About stefanbc

I'm a Brandeis University Alum (African/African American Studies), and of Whittier Law School where I specialized in Children's Rights and issues relating to Poverty Law. I live in Long Beach California with my wife, four pets, and an unused Bar Card. View all posts by stefanbc

8 responses to “A More Or Less Sincere Attempt To Address The Silliest Fox News Article Ever

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: