12 Steps Towards Being Less Of An Asshole

Yes this means you

If you read this blog you know that I spend an inordinate amount of time obsessing about people whom I believe to be assholes. However like homophobes, my constant condemnation of people is actually an attempt to cover up the fact that I too am a member of this group which I despise. I am an asshole- but I am in recovery. So as part of controlling my own asshole tendencies, I have developed a twelve step program in the hopes of assisting others overcome this terrible condition.

  1. Admit that you are powerless over your willingness to be an asshole: being a complete jerk is a surprisingly easy and even fulfilling way to live life (just ask Newt Gingrich). However treating others like absolute shit is ultimately an unsustainable lifestyle. This transition from douche to non-douche is hard, but it is possible once you admit that you have a problem.
  2. Come to realize that non-assholes exist, and are probably going to love longer (or better) than your hating ass: ignore how awesome the player-hater’s ball looks. The delusional optimists in your life have a point, or at least a better way to avoid ulcers.

    She reports on assholes all day long and does it with a smile. Perhaps there is some hope in the world.

  3. Acknowledge that there is a non-asshole higher power than yourself, and they are the Muppets: Seriously, Netflix the Muppets and spend a few hours zoning out to those wonderful singing hippie bags of fleece. It is scientifically impossible to continue being a jerk after watching this clip

    These guys are the awesome exception that proves the rule

  4. Apologize to the people whom you were an asshole, with any preconditions: The first part is obvious but the second part is perhaps even more important. Nothing is worse than a self-serving apology where someone is really just using social pressure into blackmailing you into forgiving whatever shitty thing they did. Better just to simply say “my bad, you’re cool, lets never speak to each other again until we are both to old to remember whatever I did.”

    “I’m sorry if I offended you dirty slut” is not going to cut it.

  5. Don’t be a Republican: Basically just look at whatever Mitt Romney does or says and do the exact opposite of that. This goes double for whenever he starts talking about class
  6. Never ever watch reality TV: Future generations of people will probably diagnose the end of our particular civilization once we started to give sociopaths access to cameras, liquor, and hot tubs. You will find that the longer you avoid Flavor of Love and watch “Frontline” the less of a psycho you will be.

    Here sits a man who has literally never done anything with any degree of decency in his entire life.

  7. Watch the movie UP!: Or at least these four minutes of the movie. If you are not crying by the end of it there is something wrong with you.
  8. Get a Dog: Especially a really dumb dog. Once you can forgive a dog for doing something fantastically stupid you will be willing to cut everyone a little more slack.

    I pooped in your shoe and you will still love me.

  9. Work out, but avoid the competitive-pain circle jerk: There is this new trend in working out where yuppies do something hardcore and feel it necessary to brag about incessantly in social situations. While it might be great that you have found salvation in Crossfit/Hot Yoga/P90x, surviving the experience does not justify treating other people (who presumably have better things to do) like crap.

    This an actual picture that Politico used in an article without any sense of irony. And they say Journalism is dead.

  10. Go out to eat with friends at a Korean Barbeque place: Even assholes have some friends (trust me I know). Therefore assholes have a duty to reward the patience of these friends by taking them out to a large dinner where you do nothing but drink watery beer and eat crispy pork belly. These experiences seems to bring the best out of everyone.

    FUCK and YES

  11. Play in a sandbox with other assholes: Interacting with other assholes in situations that require sharing or cooperation will act as a mirror. Realizing and analyzing other people’s faults is an inherent skill of assholes, so eventually you have to figure out just how badly you have been projecting over time.

    “Look at that cat sitting in the window like some sort if furry asshole. Fuck that cat.”

  12. What ever you do, if you cannot overcome your assholdom please refrain from having kids: Assholery is genetic, and therefore it is your responsibility to stop its spread at its source. Vasectomies are pretty cheap these days and will be worth it if just for stopping a child like this from being born.
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About stefanbc

I am an attorney who works mainly in criminal defense, child welfare, and medical marijuana advocacy. I live in Long Beach with my wife and four pets. View all posts by stefanbc

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