Stefan’s Guide To Becoming a “Player”

This guy is a real thing apparently

Are you interested in scoring and becoming a member of the “Seduction Community” like Mystery or Jean-Ralphio but happen to be broke as hell? Well don’t worry. I’ve spent about 45 minutes Googling this crap and looking it up on Wikipedia and have come up with this awesome synopsis for you to use instead!  Just follow these five steps and you will be on your way to being a true player (or in prison for date rape; same difference).

1) Flaunt your polyester peacock

Wearing clothes that were ridiculous and tacky in the 1970’s (think stuff that a coked up-Elton John might say was over the top) is an essential part of player-hood. Devoting an inordinate amount of time into cultivating an attention-getting ensemble is the absolute sure fire way to fulfill personal happiness just ask male models (the happiest people in the world). For the purpose of seduction, any items designed for comfort or practicality must be abandoned for the greater good. If you feel like you look like bad acid trip, internalize the feelings of absurdity like the cleansing burn of your crotch after a laser removes your pubic hair. Oh and start looking for a good laser hair removal specialist.

2) Be a giant misogynist

Viewing sex as a product of free market capitalism might make you conceptualize women as some sort of commodity, or as less than a true human- GREAT! Having a moral compass and approaching sex as an act between equal partners will only prevent you from scoring (and isn’t that the whole point of being an adult?). All the best players in the game have been giant sexists. Think of despising women as the fuel necessary to carry on with this journey to eventually having your own awesome reality show on VH1.

3) Be a giant poser

Do you have a personality, interesting things to offer to other people, or anything that would distinguish you as an individual? STOP THAT! The best players are those people who copy the stylings of others with little or no variety. Now you might be thinking “won’t this sameness reduce my competitiveness on the open sexual market by suppressing your peacocking?”. NO! This is where your aggressiveness and misogyny fill the void caused by looking like every other jackass following “the game”! Start using acronyms when describing your deepening sociopathy and adherence to this ridiculous community. Women are now all “Hot Babes” (HB)  or “ice queens”. You and your competitors are either “Average Frustrated Chumps (AFC’s) or “Players” trying to get “full close”. Aren’t words fun!

4) Devote your existence to “the game”

Creativity, academic achievement, or any concrete forms of personal development will only get in the way of getting “full close”, Becoming a fully realized narcissist is basically a full time job and should not be undertaken by people who are not willing to engage in this form of competitive seduction. Whenever you start to slip into complacency or broadening your perspective on life, make sure you visit your sponsor at the “lair” in order to remember why you started on the player path (your lack of any discernible ethical code).

5) Hate yourself

The PUA community is driven by a level of self-hatred and insecurity that is unmatched in any group outside of ex-gay ministries, and that is what makes them so awesome! Building an entire self image out of nothing but distilled egoism might seem like building a skyscraper in a bog, but this challenge is what makes all this effort worth it! At the end of a full day of “approaching” or “openings” you might be exhausted and willing to engage in any other conceivable activity that is slightly less soul-crushing, but you must persevere! Otherwise you might actually have to do things like engage with other human beings on a truly intimate level (which means listening to them-EWW!) or having to mature as an adult in a complex world, which seems hard!

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About stefanbc

I am an attorney who works mainly in criminal defense, child welfare, and medical marijuana advocacy. I live in Long Beach with my wife and four pets. View all posts by stefanbc

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