The 2012 Texas GOP Platform Is The Craziest F’ing Thing You Will Ever Read

So I am a little late in writing about this wonderfully insane wingnut magna carta from Texas. However it is worth discussing if not for the sheer jaw-dropping fact that this is the official platform for the dominant political party in this country’s second most populous state. Here are a select few golden nuggets picked by the good people at Lawyers Guns and Money:

Gestational Contracts – We believe rental of a woman’s womb makes child bearing a mere commodity to the highest bidder and petition the Legislature to rescind House Bill 724 of the 78th Legislature. We support the adoption of human embryos and the banning of human embryo trafficking.

Yes because nothing will better help the battle against alzheimer’s then people “adopting” human embryo’s rather than using them for research purposes. Remember though, small government!

Protection from Extreme Environmentalists – We strongly oppose all efforts of the extreme environmental groups that stymie legitimate business interests. We strongly oppose those efforts that attempt to use the environmental causes to purposefully disrupt and stop those interests within the oil and gas industry. We strongly support the immediate repeal of the Endangered Species Act. We strongly oppose the listing of the dune sage brush lizard either as a threatened or an endangered species. We believe the Environmental Protection Agency should be abolished.

One of these days when Texas is finally done being pillaged by every nefarious energy interest in the world and exists solely as a pockmarked and uninhabitable wasteland of grotesque human misdeeds, I hope that the Sage Brush Lizard returns and reassumes its crown as the Lizard King over the insane humans who once politicized its demise.

Rights Versus Products — We oppose calling welfare and other income and product redistribution schemes “rights” or “entitlements”. We know that fundamental human rights are inherent to individuals and are granted by God and are protected by the Declaration of Independence and U.S. Constitution. They are not products of others labor. Unalienable rights, such as life, liberty, pursuit of happiness, property rights, free speech, religious freedom, self-defense, etc. do not impose on others rights whereas income and product redistribution invariably do so.

That’s funny I don’t remember the right to self-defense being spelled out in the constitution, but given the fact that the writers of this platform seem to have been taking most of their legal analysis from Chuck Norris, I am going to presume that they “inferred” its existence. Interestingly I see “property” rights but not “economic” rights. Does this mean that the Texas GOP admits that the federal government has the power to regulate interstate commerce?

Homosexuality ― We affirm that the practice of homosexuality tears at the fabric of society and contributes to the breakdown of the family unit. Homosexual behavior is contrary to the fundamental, unchanging truths that have been ordained by God, recognized by our country’s founders, and shared by the majority of Texans. Homosexuality must not be presented as an acceptable “alternative” lifestyle, in public policy, nor should “family” be redefined to include homosexual “couples.” We believe there should be no granting of special legal entitlements or creation of special status for homosexual behavior, regardless of state of origin. Additionally, we oppose any criminal or civil penalties against those who oppose homosexuality out of faith, conviction or belief in traditional values.

That last sentence is a wonderful encapsulation of the outstanding mental gymnastics that somebody has to be engaged in to justify this sort of hatred. The Texas GOP wants to live in a world where people who love one another have their families disparaged by the sarcastic use of quotation marks, but wants to make sure that homophobes are granted “special legal entitlements” for using the word of god to justify their hatred. Awesome.

UN Treaty on the Rights of the Child ― We unequivocally oppose the United States Senate’s ratification of the United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child.

Yay! We’ll continue to be the only country other than fucking Somalia to not sign this treaty.

Health Care and Nutritional Supplements ― We deplore any efforts to mandate that vitamins and other natural supplements be on a prescription–only basis, and we oppose any efforts to remove vitamins and other nutritional supplements from public sale. We support the rights of all adults to their choice of nutritional products, and alternative health care choices.

The Texas GOP platform: brought to you by Prescott Pharmaceuticals

American Identity Patriotism and Loyalty – We believe the current teaching of a multicultural curriculum is divisive. We favor strengthening our common American identity and loyalty instead of political correctness that nurtures alienation among racial and ethnic groups. Students should pledge allegiance to the American and Texas flags daily to instill patriotism.


We support the principles regarding the public economy as stated in the Republican Party Platform of 1932 to wit:

(Because going back to the GOP glory days of the 1930’s is a good idea. But go on….)

  1. Resolution Regarding the Public Economy: Whereas, constructive plans for financial stabilization cannot be completely organized until our national, State and municipal governments not only balance their budgets but curtail their current expenses as well to a level which can be steadily and economically maintained for some years to come. 
  2. We urge prompt and drastic reduction of public expenditure and resistance to every appropriation not demonstrably necessary to the performance of government, national or local.
  3. The Republican Party established and will continue to uphold the gold standard and will oppose any measure which will undermine the government’s credit or impair the integrity of our national currency. Relief by currency inflation is unsound in principle and dishonest in results. The dollar is impregnable in the marts of the world today and must remain so. An ailing body cannot be cured by quack remedies. This is no time to experiment upon the body politic or financial.

And with that Texas, the second most populous state in the country and one of the biggest economies in the entire world, has decided to return to feudalism as a means of preserving its future existence. We might all be privileged to bear witness as Texas ritualistically commits suicide and decides to become the Albania of North America.

United Nations Agenda 21 -The Republican Party of Texas should expose all United Nations Agenda 21 treaty policies and its supporting organizations, agreements and contracts. We oppose implementation of the UN Agenda 21 Program which was adopted at the Earth Summit Conference in 1992 purporting to promote a comprehensive program of sustainable development projects, nationally, regionally and locally. We oppose the influence, promotion and implementation of nongovernmental organizations, metropolitan and/or regional planning organizations, Councils of Government, and International Council for Local Environmental initiatives and the use of American (Texas) citizen’s taxes to promote these programs.

You might be reading this right now and think that this sounds like the ramblings of a crazy person living in a shack and broadcasting some insane radio show over the shortwave in between cooking meth: and you would be right. Get ready to hear much  more about “AGENDA 21”. It might sounding like a short-lived CBS action/drama, but it is actually the newest form of right wing  paranoia about guns and stuff. State governments discussing this sort of shit is why we can’t have nice things.

Israel – We believe that the United States and Israel share a special long-standing relationship based on shared values, a mutual commitment to a republican form of government, and a strategic alliance that benefits both nations. Our foreign policy with Israel should reflect the special nature of this relationship through continued military and economic assistance and recognition that Jerusalem is the capital of Israel and should remain an undivided city accessible to people of all faiths. We believe that the US Embassy should be located in Jerusalem. In our diplomatic dealings with Israel, we encourage the continuation of peace talks between Israel and the Palestinians, but oppose pressuring Israel to make concessions it believes would jeopardize its security, including the trading of land for the recognition of its right to exist. We call on the U.S. to cease strong arming Israel through prior agreements with the understanding of delivering Palestinians on the West Bank. We support the continuation of non-recognition of terrorist nations and organizations. Our policy is based on God’s biblical promise to bless those who bless Israel and curse those who curse Israel and we further invite other nations and organizations to enjoy the benefits of that promise.

The wingnut alliance between the Likud party and the assholes over here has been interesting to watch over the last 10 years. Unfortunately only one side will eventually win, and I severely doubt that the good ol’ boys stand much of a chance against Mossad and nuclear weapons. Nevertheless it is still entertaining to watch rednecks pretend to be fans of Jewish culture.

Voter [sic] Rights Act – We urge that the Voter Rights Act of 1965 codified and updated in 1973 be repealed and not reauthorized.

Here is the wonderful encapsulation of all this aforementioned crazy into one section of the party platform. The douchebags will never stop fighting until black people are once again denied all the rights and privileges of citizenship. At least maybe we can take some solace in the fact that they are finally being honest about their hatred.


About stefanbc

I am an attorney who works mainly in criminal defense, child welfare, and medical marijuana advocacy. I live in Long Beach with my wife and four pets. View all posts by stefanbc

4 responses to “The 2012 Texas GOP Platform Is The Craziest F’ing Thing You Will Ever Read

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