The Jessie Helms Memorial award for worst Congressperson: Allen West
Last year this blog awarded this prestigious designation to Representative Joe Walsh from Illinois. But while Mr. “Six-Figured Child Support Arrears Balance” tried his damnedest to repeat, the other candidates from the House and Senate were just too powerful in their assholery to allow this to happen. So instead today we celebrate another notable loser from 2012, Representative Prime Minister Admiral General Allen West of some shitty area of the Redneck Rivera in Florida.
Where do we start with soon-to-be-former international embarrassment that was Allen West in 2012? He spent most of his time split between doing nothing in D.C. along with the rest of the 112th Congress, and running what had to be the most demented congressional election in the country in his failed effort to maintain his seat in the Tea Party Caucus. Somewhere along the way he found the time to accuse the president of being a slave master, declare student loans as a form of communism, proclaim that the progressive caucus is part of a communist plot, and somehow linked the DREAM ACT to voter fraud (this really happened).
Those general expressions of insanity placed Mr. West in the pole position for this award back in July, but by the actual election season West somehow found the innate strength to tap into his true potential and put on a clinic of incendiary political demagoguery.
By November West had single handily united progressives and liberals of all shades into a shared sense of despair over his inclusion and the intrinsic problem of self-government (i.e. the lack of per se prohibitions about the election of absolutely crazy people into office if the people feel like going in that direction. Mitt Romney even got in on the joke by appointing the Clayton Bigsby of the House to lead his “black leadership council“, which of course caused Fredrick Douglass to start spinning in his grave fast enough to power a nuclear submarine. West did everything short of calling his opponent a terrorist (although he inferred as much on several occasions) AND STILL LOST, thus giving some hope for the continuation of the great American experiment.
However once November 7th rolled around West decided that he did not believe in the dark art of mathematics and decided to challenge the count against him. Apparently West was unconvinced that the voters would dare to choose a hapless boring executive over a man who was a regular contributor to a redneck biker magazine after a long career as a wannabe Rambo. Sadly the courts and god himself deemed this attempt by West to essentially barricade himself in a spider hole under his office to be too pathetic even for Florida, and he was quietly dispatched from his position without an incident (yet).
Mr. West will probably now enjoy a career as a right wing martyr, having been betrayed by the racists Democrats and the thousands of people who didn’t vote for him out of racism (just like Judge Bork). He will undoubtedly join some awful speaking tour next fellow War Criminals from the previous administration where he will make water boarding jokes in front of bored executives at defense industry conferences. Until that day however, be rest assured that West will spend his free time with his wife, acting out role playing scenes that would freak out Dan Savage:
The congressman proceeds tells his wife he expects certain intimate acts upon his return that will be “the standard and it is non-negotiable.”
He tells her: “From now on, you will wear two-piece swim suits when on vacations.”
Then: “Angela, I need to know, are you committed to being my porn star?
“I do not want to hear ‘no’ or ‘we’ll see about that.’ I want my fantasies to be with you. God has authorized you and you only as my partner for intimacy and that is what I want.”
And he signs off: “Get ready!
Get ready indeed America